im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
