it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is it because I queefed?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
