i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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