Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
