I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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