"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
