My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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