You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
