Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
