Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
