I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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