You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My cat gives me a boner
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
