Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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