I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think people are normalizing furries
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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