There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
