I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
