Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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