i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
