I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
