Where did you get a picture of my penis
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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