i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
