just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
