I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
