I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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