tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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