Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
