I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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