If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
