my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
