Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
