Non-Jews are for practice
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
