my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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