The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
