Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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