Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
