the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
