I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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