Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
