life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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