I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
