The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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