beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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