OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
