You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
