i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
