I think my vagina is haunted
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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