M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
