She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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