I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
