The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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